Archive for February, 2012

I shouldn’t do this, but what the….I just won’t spell it out. Let your sullied, grown-up minds fill in the gaps. Here goes:
Wife and I need some grown up time every night, during which we usually sit around, watch something on TV and have a drink.
Fontaine, being nine now and wanting to be 29, likes to come back downstairs and join in. I think she realizes that the better the topic of conversation she comes up with, the longer she gets to stay.
One night she came down with this: “I know FOUR bad words now.”
First thing I think is, “I thought George Carlin said there were seven,” and then I start seeing how many of them I can name: “Sh.., p…, mother….” (Yep, got ‘em all. Actually, I got two extras).
Second thing I think is, “Damn, who decided three of Carlin’s words don’t count anymore.”
Wife takes a completely different tact.
“Oh yeah,” Wife says, “which ones?”
Fontaine leads off with, “Crap.”
Ah, that’s not really a bad one, Wife says, we don’t want you saying it, but it’s not that bad. What else do you have?
Fontaine comes in with “ass.”
Yeah, that’s pretty bad. Then Wife does a tutorial in how one can combine normal words with bad words to make the bad words sound worse, such as calling someone an “AssHAT.”
I go linguistic and explain that there’s something about the short “a” in ass and the short “a” in hat that complement each other.
“I know b—h,” she says.
Yes, that’s one, we shrug. It’s pretty common.
Daughter then says something like “stupid” or “dummy,” at which point Wife says something along the lines of, “That’s all you have?!”
Daughter seems to be getting increasingly frustrated and embarrassed. Wasn’t really looking for our —-ing feedback, I guess.
Wife’s taunt parallels an NBA-ism, I think, like when someone tries to bring the ball down the lane in a tentative manner. I believe the saying is, “Don’t bring that weak sh-t in here.”
We are all laughing at this point, except Fontaine who is aghast, and begins walking back up the steps.
Fontaine then says: “You know, if I had NORMAL parents, I’d be in a lot of trouble right now.”
I imagine that, under her breath, she is mumbling all the really bad words that a fourth-grader has heard and doesn’t want to tell her parents about.

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