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Archive for October, 2010

This is great.

Lyss Stern, Mommy blogger


This Mommy blogger agreed to write a flattering story in exchange for $45,000 worth of cosmetic dental work.
Oh, wait, I used to be a journalist, and I don’t want to get sued. Please insert “allegedly” into the sentence that ends “$45,000 of cosmetic dental work.”
You know these Mommy bloggers: It’s all about the kids, except when it’s not and it’s all about Mommy.
As they say, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
And how can you tell if Momma is happy, if her teeth are yellow and she is embarrassed to smile?
Again, all about the kids.

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Ask a Silly Question…

Rosebud, the three-year-old, decided to sit out dinner tonight and played with some toys in the family room.
As I was dishing up desert, some candy-like apple crisp that Wife had made from scratch before going to work, she started yelling and moaning. I assumed this meant the usual: she screams like a woman in labor EVERY time she’s about to poop.
So when the two big girls started calling to me as I cleared the table, I more or less ignored them.
“Um, Dad, you really need to come over here,” Fontaine said.
Yeah, yeah.
“Dad, really, you need to come over NOW!”
So I walked around the corner, and ooh, yuck, yick…
Rosebud stood there over a pile of vomit.
Are you OK, sweetie, I asked.
“Yeah.”
“WHAT did you eat today?” Fontaine asked.
Rosebud pointed at the puke.
“That,” she said.
Hard to argue with “that.”

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PBS has recently launched an updated TV show based on Dr. Seuss’s “The Cat in the Hat.”
In the show, the cat is a good guy who teaches the kids about the world. It’s a pretty good show. The girls like it. But saying that is not fun, so let’s have some.
The updated version shows Sally as the mid-20th century cute blonde girl she always was, but somehow her brother (the originally narrator of the stories, now named “Nick”) appears to have undergone a reverse Michael Jackson treatment and turned into a young African-American lad.
That’s cool. We never saw the kids’ Dad anyway. Maybe he was a brother.
Herewith, I will update the back-story and go beyond PBS’s effort:
Sally and Nick are mysteriously left at home alone, at the approximate ages of five and six, when the cat stops by, sporting a hat that was made by child labor in a Chinese sweat shop.
The cat briefly enters the house and grabs their Mom’s favorite dress, a pink number that symbolizes Breast Cancer Awareness. Sally Googles “The Cat” only to discover he’s listed in the state’s sexual predator database, and not only that, he’s eating a peanut butter sandwich and Nick has a bad nut allergy.
The kids cleverly trick the cat into leaving the house, because they know cats don’t like walking in snow, but once in the front yard they discover it hasn’t snowed there in years due to global warming (Sally thinks this is due to climate change brought on by man-made pollutants; Nick assures her is only part of a natural climatic cycle).
The cat snaps the dress at them to stop the debate, and the pink color flies all over the front yard. He tells them, no problem, he will clean it up with the “help” that is under his hat, and his helpers come out: Little Cat F, M, X, B, K, S….
The helpers emerge in non-alphabetical order, an homage to dyslexic children.
Then Sally and Nick see their Mom coming up the path. She arrives, her arms full of cloth Whole Foods bags, but she is quickly arrested for child abandonment for leaving the kids home alone every time the weather stinks.
The Cat is hauled back to prison — as he has violated a restraining order by being within 50 yards of children under the age of 18.
Sally and Nick go back inside to watch a Netflix movie on their Wii.

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